yada bullshit
emotional. i feel like i can never get over her. no matter how many strides i have, realizations, its like chipping at a boulder. ive realized (sigh seems like my realizations dont fcking matter)…realized that what makes this worse is that im unsure of her. shes be so unhonest about how she felt and what she desired in the past, im stuck wondering, guessing, trying to understand what it may be. why are you hitting me up all of a sudden? is it that she just misses me. knows that i will always be there, so she uses my company. and i suppose the issue is tthat i will always be there. she knows this and would bet her life existence on it, my friends know it, anyone who has read my posts may know it just well. how can i love but not accept being used? or being kept on the sideline for whenever she sees fit to have me around. or maybe its none of that and shes just fcking confused as she says she is. but the knowledge that i will always fucking be there has to have some type of affect on her actions/mental, consciously or unconsciously. i kinda feel like im living my life for her. im not..but the fact that ill always turn around and be there for her. makes me feel like shit, empty, like i might as well die.
sigh. yada bullshit emotional. i know that i shouldnt expect or hold on to what may be occuring and then trying to analysis and read beyond what i know. that we’ve been hanging out recently. but its hard. anyways, new semester on monday. hella hype about it. gotta internship, hella hype about that. still need a new apartment, mentally juggling what new things i could buy, assessing how material and unneeded they are: tattoo, new tv (when i get the apartment), netbook laptop now and get a mac ina year or two, or get a mac now?, itouch, new cell phone (which has be termined as the most materialistic and unneeded beyond social benefits..sidekicks are kinda lame now) …thanks for reading. i hope my followers actually like my shit? and arent sub’d just cause? lol
